 The one and only Nosferatu Are you a fan of the 1922 silent film classic Nosferatu? Do you like imposing castles? Are you interested in vacationing in Slovakia? Even if you answered a firm “no” to all these questions, we recommend that you keep reading and keep an open mind. We are not ashamed to admit that we are head over heels, Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, Billy Bob Thorton wearing a necklace filled to the brim with Angelina Jolie’s blood IN LOVE with Slovakia (FOOTNOTE: for younger readers, there was a time when Tom Cruise was married and when Billie Bob dated Angelina). It’s one of our top places to visit when we want to relax and not just work in a different time zone.  The entryway oozes Old World charm and incipient vampire shenanigans. Strangely enough, most Americans and Brits wouldn’t even consider Slovakia to be a prime vacation destination. Some snootier Europeans might even view it as a “flyover” country. Though we find these assessments baffling, it’s their loss, as we like our favorite sites less crowded. Because, regardless of whether you like nature and hiking (e.g., the Tatra mountains), good wine (Devín, Veltlinske Zelene ), or good food (e.g., Bryndzové Halušky), you can’t beat Slovakia. But then there are the castles. Oh, my, those castles... Literally three of the top five castles of the Proper Degenerate team are found in this tiny little country barely the size of Mississippi. Though we will have future posts on the darkly beautiful castles of Slovakia, we will start with a real winner: Castle (Hrad) Orava (pronounced oar-ah-vah). Several scenes from Nosferatu were shot here, and you can see why. It’s ruggedly beautiful, seemingly remote, and creates a vibe of “old European aristocrat”. At the highest level that tourists can ascend, there is a little display with a statue of that old, blood sucker, Count Orlok.  An atmospheric shot of some of the surroundings Even if you don’t care about its connections to one of the most iconic movie vampires of all time, the castle is well worth a visit. It remains one of the best-preserved Medieval structures in all of Europe. With a bit of imagination, you can gaze through a tiny window into what it must have been like to live as a Medieval lord, lady, or peasant.  The curved tunnel entrance to Orava If you lived here, you’d have been well protected. Orava Castle was designed for defense. High on a hill, it’s difficult to imagine trying to conquer this place only using horses, men, and medieval weaponry. Though there are no shortage of staircases, there were none back in the day. You would have had to scramble up ladders and ropes with the dexterity of a ninja squirrel just to find your way to the entrance. Once you got there, the entry into the castle courtyard is essentially just a curved stone tunnel. “Why isn’t it straight?”, you might ask. Well, this was so that Orava Castle’s troops could quietly hide just past the curve, unseen from any potential invaders. It’s a well-known fact that conquest gets a bit more difficult when you’re unexpectedly showered with arrows. Now let’s discuss a small sliver of Orava’s history. In a past post we created a cocktail inspired by Countess Erzsébet Báthory (1560 C.E. – 1614 C.E.), sometimes called the Blood Countess. Well, it turns out that the guy who arrested her and tried her accomplices - György Thurzó- owned this castle. In fact, a letter box where he and his wife kept their love letters and other correspondence remains preserved in a bedroom. Thurzó, like Erzsébet, was a wealthy noble. He eventually reached the rank of Palatine of Hungary, second only to the king in terms of administrative power. Even more interesting, he and Erzsebet’s husband, Ferenc Nadasdy, were lifelong friends. György and his first wife were good friends to Erzsebet as well, at least until her arrest for serial murder. The fact that he was the one to imprison her in her own castle (Čachtice Hrad) was likely a complicated decision for him.  Save your energy for the last few sets of stairs to the top Regardless, György Thurzo called Castle Orava home for many years. Old György remains there to this day, lying in final repose in the castle crypt. If you want to visit his final resting place, though, you must go visit the castle in summer, as it is otherwise closed to tourists.
Along with history, grand structures tend to also become associated with myths, legends, and tragic tales. Orava Castle is no exception, and may even be a bit unique. For instance, “White Lady” tales are a dime a dozen. Many places are known for them, even Altoona, Pennsylvania (see our post on The Ghost of Wopsy here). However, Orava not only has a “White Lady” myth (i.e., the wife of a Master Donc), but a “Black Lady” one as well. The Black Lady in question is Erzsébet Czobor, the second wife of György Thurzó. She was apparently a clever woman and a talented administrator. Running entire castles wasn’t too challenging for her even when her husband was away fighting wars and trying to lock up Medieval serial killers. She was also quite imposing. For instance, many castle owners might try to keep their unruly servants in line through docking pay, firing them, or possibly imprisoning them. That wasn’t scary enough for Mrs. Czobor. She instead threatened to haunt them all after she died. Some of her workers apparently didn’t take this curse seriously, though. As a result, she is said to peer over the castle walls to this very day, spending her immortality trying to keep worker shenanigans to a minimum. Say what you will about her, but she had her principles. Getting There Hrad Orava is very easy to find using google maps or other online sources. Once you get to the town, follow the signs to the large parking lot festooned with souvenir booths and located within sight of the castle. Just be aware that parking fee is a little steep for small town Slovakia (i.e., a whopping seven euros at our last visit). We have it in good authority that the town made the decision to significantly raise the rates because tourism comes with other costs (i.e., annoying tourists), so this made us feel a bit more empathy. It might also be helpful to keep in mind that you need to be in decent shape to walk all the way to the top. You certainly won’t have to scramble up rope ladders, but the paths are steep and the steps are many. Thus, prepare for your trip a few months in advance using a StairMaster or take your time and be patient. You need to save a little energy for the last round of steps to get the best views and the full Orava experience (i.e., the mannequin of Count Orlok). We would rate this as 8/10 for castle experiences. Also, please note that the gift shop – which looks incredible – was closed both times we visited. We have no idea why, as it was supposed to be open. We surmise that it could generate a good bit of extra revenue, and we definitely had euros in our pocket waiting to buy black and white castle prints and Nosferatu neckerchiefs.. There is an online shop where you can purchase some – but not all – of the fun items we saw in the window. Side Trip Orava is within driving distance of many other castles (including Hrad Beckov). Don’t miss out on the opportunity to try some Slovakian wines while you’re there, either. It’s underrated and very affordable. Conclusions: Even if you couldn't care less about György Thurzó, Erzsébet Báthory, or Nosferatu, this would be an amazing side trip for a vacation if only for the architecture and views. Links: https://www.oravskemuzeum.sk/
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Having just visited the annual Romanian Food Festival in Potomac Maryland and gorged ourselves on sarmales (stuffed cabbage leaves), mamaliga (Romanian polenta), and chocolate salami (we'll talk about these in a future post), we had Romania on our minds. So, of course, we eventually wound up talking about Dracula. No, not the hypnotic and lascivious vampire count played by Hungarian actor, Bela Lugosi, but the real Dracula, Vlad III, son of Dracul (AKA son of the Dragon). For our money, the real Dracula is even more interesting than the fictional one. “But, Bram Stoker’s Dracula was immortal and drank blood and had a trio of sexy bisexual vampiresses living in his castle” you might say. Well, that’s all true, of course. However, old Bela’s character never ran sharpened 12-foot spikes through so many of his enemies’ sensitive orifices that he created veritable forests of the impaled. He was like a macabre Johnny Appleseed, but planting Turkish warriors on spikes instead of fruit trees. This is also what gave him one of his nicknames, Vlad Țepeș, or “Vlad the Impaler”.  The impaled. Though his methods seem brutal, he lived in a different time where murder and torture were part of life. Old Vlad was also a very important figure in the fight for keeping the Ottoman Turks from invading Christian Europe. He’s therefore viewed by many Central and Eastern Europeans as a hero. Though he’s quite famous, a lot of bad information exists. For instance, tourists flock in large numbers to Bran Castle near Brașov, Romania. Billed as “Dracula’s Castle” there are tours, trinkets, and lots of vampire-themed fun. However, to the best of our knowledge, there is no hard historical evidence that Vlad even stayed there, let alone made it one of his homes. Bran Castle is still very much worth a visit, but we have a more exciting Romanian option for you…  Poenari Citadel If you have access to a car, don’t mind walking up a lot of steps, and are not too afraid of bears, we recommend that you plan a little trip to Poenari Castle in Arefu. More a citadel than a “traditional” castle, it has some real Vlad the Impaler history. It has been historically verified that he stayed here. To be fair, though, the site has plusses and minuses. As for upsides, the top of Poenari Citadel is breath-takingly beautiful, with unobstructed views of the Carpathian mountains. It also has some fun impaled mannequins that are perfect for Facebook pics.  A few of the 1,480 steps to the top of the citadel. As for downsides, to get to this fun place, you will have to climb 1,480 steps. That is not a typo. It’s step after step after step. As for other downsides, prior to their putting in a fence around the stairs, several tourists every year were reported to have been attacked by Romanian brown bears. We can only imagine that they were annoying American and UK tourists posing for selfies, though we can’t verify this in the official reports. So, if you like history, are a little morbid, don’t mind driving on the curvy Transfăgărășan rood through the mountains, and are up for a little Romanian adventure, give Poenari a try. We highly recommend it.  It's hard to beat these views. Side Trips
Though a bit of a hoof (i.e., 2.5 hours away from Poenari), if you want to see bears and contribute to a good cause, we HIGHLY recommend making Libearty Bear Sanctuary a stop. This charitable group has improved the lives of poor bears that were kept in zoos, tourist shops, and as house pets. The Libearty people are doing really great work and have a lot of land for their rehabbed bears. You can find them at: Zarnesti, H9VP+74, Zărnești 505800, Romania - Is the path to hell paved with refreshing Czech pilsner?? - Czechia (i.e., what Czechs call the Czech Republic) is one of our top three favorite countries to visit. It’s an even better destination when you don’t have work to do there, but it is great regardless. If you fancy castles, amazing beer, dumplings, and strange tourist sites, Czechia is difficult to beat. There are so many great castles (hrady) dotted around the country, but one, Houska, is undeniably unique. In many ways Hrad Houska doesn’t make any sense. For instance, most castles are built over a consistent source of water. After all, how terrible would it be to suffer a siege on your castle and have nothing to brew tasty pilsner beer with? Yet, Houska has no source of water except for cisterns to collect rain. Odd… Hrad Houska also lacks a kitchen. So where would a hungry soldier bake bread to enjoy his refreshing pilsner with? Strange… Further, most people building a castle would probably want the defensive side of their walls to face outward. This generally helps if you want to repel invaders. However, Hrad Houska’s defensive walls face inwards. Perplexing…  A highly stylized wood burn of Hrad Houska. All of this seems odd or even illogical until you add the missing premise… it was clearly built to cover up the gateway to hell. Yes, dear readers, a bottomless pit of eldritch danger lurks a mere hour’s drive north of Prague, and under the location of the present-day castle. Oh, the legends that surround this place. The tales speak of half-human, half-animal creatures that would emerge at night from the accursed pit and lay waste to any people unfortunate enough to cross their paths. This situation clearly had to change. It’s bad enough when a megachurch or Applebee’s moves into your neighborhood, let alone a fiery pit to hell. There’s only so much a real estate market can take before property values decline. The locals still speak of how prisoners were used to build the fortress. Builders apparently conscripted one poor convict to be lowered by rope into the accursed chasm. Upon hearing his plaintive screams, they pulled him back up only to find him aged thirty years in as many seconds. His hair turned whiter than Anderson Cooper’s and his skin looked as if he was any elderly Hollywood celebrity in the midst of a month-long Botox shortage. It was terrifying to witness. Even after the castle’s construction, the dark rumors persisted. It was even occupied by Nazis until 1945. We may never know what evil experiments, medical, occult, or otherwise, took place within its cold stone walls.  The chapel and alter directly over the gate to hell. Although faded from centuries of exposure, there are intricate wall paintings all over the site. Now, how much of these fun legends are true? Well, to be fair, there are some alternate histories out there. Some are backed up with historical and archaeological data that describe other motives for the castle’s construction (why do scholars always take the fun out of things… ?). However, we prefer to live in a world where Hrad Houska is our last line of defense from the many horrors of hell. Even better (i.e., a PD film script idea), we hope that, nearby, there lives a secret sect of plucky Czech warrior-poets who risk their lives every day to protect us from the ever-present scourge of demonic half-man beasts. Hopefully there will be no intensification of evil energy or an unexpected earthquake which breaks the castle’s ancient foundations. If so, things could get scary, and we may just see what these Czech warrior poets are willing to sacrifice to save the world. If we can get Christian Bale on board, we might just have a go picture here. Think of the special effects… Getting There Hrad Houska is located about an hour’s drive north of Prague and PRG airport. Anyone – even children, who were particularly tasty to the half-man beasts – can now visit the castle and get a guided tour. Keep in mind that it is closed between November and March. If you travel there in bad weather, please make sure your car has good tires as you will be on some potentially slippery roads. There are ways to get to the castle using public transportation from the airport, but it would take approximately four hours each way and you would still need to walk almost 3 kilometers from your last stop. Thus, we recommend renting a car or taking a very expensive Uber ride instead. You can also bring dogs to the castle with you, and we’re sure they’d enjoy it, but there is a modest fee for canine accompaniment. Once you’re there, the gateway to hell can be found below the chapel, more specifically where the alter now stands. The art adorning the walls is also worth a close look, as you will find depictions of armed soldiers and man-beasts scattered throughout.  Replicate weapons of war on display in the castle. We can only imagine some of these were particularly useful against animal/man beasts. Side Trip Throw a rock in Czech Republic and you’ll hit beer that is better made, and tastier, than 99% of mass produced American beer. Thus, on your way back to Prague, you might consider driving a bit further south to the charming village of Velké Popovice. There, you will find the Kozel Brewery. They also have a great brewing tour (we’ll cover it on the blog at some point). Look for the big goat and you won’t miss it. Just make sure to book the brewery tour ahead of time, especially in the summer. There are English tours, too. Link: https://hradhouska.cz/ Conclusions: This is a very fun day trip from Prague. Whether you like architecture or just enjoying strange sites, we think it’s definitely worth a visit.  Wall painting inside the castle showing a hunting scene. Clearly even normal animals around the castle were dangerous, too. Kings tend to be a sensitive lot. This could be due to their royal upbringing or the inevitable mild to severe narcissism that develops along their way to being ensconced in purple velvety kinghood. It may also arise from the simple fact that just about everyone who is not a king would love to be in their position no matter the cost to the king, his kingly life, or even the lives of his entire royal family. Power can be quite a drug. The hunger for power is a high risk/high reward venture, though, and can have consequences. As the wise Omar said in that hit 2000's show The Wire, “You come at the king, you best not miss.” Two Swedes learned this lesson the hard way on December 11th, 1317.  The beautiful Nyköping castle. Well worth a visit even if you’re not a student of history. Our macabre tale begins when a man with the very regal name of Birger Magnusson became King of Sweden in 1290. Only 10 years old at the time, his reign lasted until 1318. He had two similarly royal brothers: Eric Magnusson, the Duke of Södermanland and Valdemar Magnusson, the Duke of Finland. Both were covetous of their brother’s position. The three brothers’ relationship is a complex tale of politics, intrigue, and shifting alliances that could easily fill a book, not just a silly blog. Most important for our tale is that, in 1306, his two Ducal brothers staged a little coup. They captured King Birger and his wife and temporarily imprisoned both of them in the dungeons of Nyköping Castle. And you thought your siblings were horrible…  Nyköping castle grounds. Imagine what it must have looked like in the 14th century. The coup and subsequent shenanigans resulted in other royals intervening in order to quell this Swedish mischief. Namely, the Kings of both Denmark and Norway eventually settled the matter in 1310 by splitting Sweden between the three brothers. Birger remained “King”, but in name only. All was well again, or so it seemed. Seven years after the split, Birger invited both Eric and Valdemar to an early Christmas celebration with him and his wife at Nyköping Castle. This olive branch must have been unexpected, even shocking, but probably felt like a legitimate opportunity to reconcile the brothers’ long-fractured relationship. Therefore, both agreed to attend the party. If we know anything about Swedes, they can’t resist a good banquet, and are very skilled at them, especially around the holidays. We’ll do a post on Julbords (i.e., Christmas tables) at some point, but back to the tale. Nyköping Castle is not a huge place. Therefore, it probably did not seem suspicious that, when the dukes arrived at the castle, their retinues of troops were asked to lodge in the town of Nyköping and not in the castle with their Dukes. Can you see where this is going?  This is supposedly where the brothers starved to death... After the celebratory banquet, which lasted from the evening of the 10th until the early morning hours of the 11th, the two dukes were captured. King Birger had them placed in the same dungeon that formerly housed both him and his wife. Unlike his own time in the dungeon, this was never intended to be a temporary captivity. Legend has it that King Birger, in an overly dramatic yet still kingly move, threw the keys to the dungeon into the nearby Nyköping river. The king then cut off all their food, leaving his brothers to slowly starve to death over Christmas. Signed documents reveal that both of them were alive as of January 18th, so this must have been a long, torturous death for both of them. Birger’s plan didn’t lead to peace, though. He was ousted later that same year and driven into exile. He shuffled off his mortal coil quite far from Nyköping (i.e., Denmark) in 1320. One wonders if he felt any guilt – or even an occasional pang of regret – from such ill treatment of his kin. Perhaps he felt justified? We may never know. Regardless, as you’re eating your lovely Christmas dinner this year – even if it comes from a microwave – you might let your thoughts linger a moment on the memory of those two Dukes, Valdemar and Eric, whose brother allowed them to starve to death over the holidays. Your own family probably isn’t that bad, so this may make you feel at least a little thankful for what you have. Merry Christmas. Visiting As you can see, much of Nyköping castle is still standing today, and it makes for an extremely fun visit. We’ve been there twice, always in the winter, and the castle grounds are breathtakingly beautiful in snow. Only a 90-minute drive from Stockholm, it is a worthwhile day trip. You might also visit the local museum which has an excellent gift shop with reproductions of medieval glassware for sale. Save some time to wander around the town as well, especially by the river in the evening.  Isn’t Sweden lovely? We didn’t stage this shot. It’s in town just a short walk from the castle. |
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