<![CDATA[THE PROPER DEGENERATE

<![CDATA[THE PROPER DEGENERATE - Blog]]>Mon, 30 Dec 2024 21:50:29 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[Tomten: Definitely Not Gnomes]]>Thu, 26 Dec 2024 01:08:20 GMThttp://properdegenerate.com/blog/tomten-definitely-not-gnomes

Tomten love to take care of animals.

You’ve all seen those Christmas gnomes. You know, the cute ones with chubby bodies, stubby little feet, long gray beards, and tall, festive wooly hats that stand straight up (i.e., as if Santa’s cap took Cialis). They’ve likely been on the shelves of your local department store since the very second that Halloween officially ended. You may have already purchased a few of them. They may be decorating your Christmas tree or children’s bedroom right now. Well, dear reader, we have some important information to impart... information that might save you and your pets' lives. There are a few things you need to know about these guys.

What are they?
First off, they're not technically gnomes. They sure do look like them at first glance, but as any nerd who misspent large portions of their youth reading fantasy novels or the works of the Swiss physician Paracelsus knows, gnomes typically live underground and guard treasure. Gnomes, these are not.

These little bundles of Christmas cheer are actually called Tomten (singular = tomte). They are nisse in Danish and tonttu in Finnish. At one point in time, so the story goes, they were normal-sized humans just like us. Farming was their gig. Many stories tell of their being the original owner of a nice homestead, caring for their land until death.

1900 Christmas card by Jenny Nyström. Nyström is considered the creator of the modern Swedish Santa Claus (jultomten), a small man with a long white beard and a red top hat. Creative Commons License (https://snl.no/Jenny_Nystr%C3%B6m)

After they shuffled off their mortal coil, they somehow gained immortality, shrank a bit, and decided to stick around the farm. They’re kind of like miniature household deities. However, it would appear that one downside of a tomten’s eternal life is that they are forced to buy their hats exclusively from one very deranged haberdashery. There’s always a catch to immortality…

What do they do?
Tomten can be very helpful. Stories abound of them doing chores for the new owners and taking good care of animals. They legitimately care about their farm and want to help keep it running smoothly regardless of who owns it. Thus, they don’t behave much differently from any other good Swedish farmer. As you all know, Swedes are a diligent bunch, so these immortal ones are handy to have around.

This is a classic tomten tale with very good and traditional illustrations

What do they like?
Tomten generally like to work hard, be left alone, and be shown respect. Thus, if you accidentally spill a drink on the floor, you should apologize to any tomten who might be working below you.

Apart from respect, tomten don’t need much in compensation for all their hard work. Unlike gnomes, they’re fairly uninterested in money or other fancy things. But, again, everything comes with a cost. So, if you want to truly keep your tomte happy, you can’t forget one important rule: make sure to give them porridge on Christmas eve with a pat of butter on top. Tomten are greedy for butter. They love the stuff as much as Golem loves The Precious. However, they apparently only need their #1 vice one day out of the entire year (don’t ask us why – we didn’t come up with this shit).

Therefore, you would be wise to comply with this humble request, making sure to have a single bowl of porridge laid out for your squat friend every Christmas eve. Also, keep in mind that tomten are a bit like Mogwai from Gremlins movies: bad things can happen if you don’t follow instructions. We will type this again in bold: bad things can happen if you don’t follow instructions. Always please put the pat of butter ON TOP of the porridge. If you don't, you could make them angry.

Please don't forget the butter.

What happens when they get angry?
One story tells of a work-weary tomten who stopped by the house after everyone went to bed to enjoy his Christmas Eve repast. Looking down at the bowl of porridge, there was no butter. The audacity! The insult! A year’s worth of hard work and the stingy farmer can’t even spare one little dab of creamy goodness?!?!

The tomten understandably flew off the handle. Red with anger, he ran out of the kitchen as fast as his stubby legs could carry him – his long beard blowing in the wind like he was in a diminutive Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. He threw open the barn door and entered. He stood at the door a moment in silence, his moonlit shadow much larger than his childlike frame would imply. Tension hung thickly in the air, and every single animal in the barn held its breath. Then, in a fit of blind, butter-induced rage, he killed the first cow he saw, blood spurting onto his red felt cap and bits of gore lodging into his long gray beard. When it was over, the tomte noticed rivulets of crimson melting the snow outside the barn. Righteous vengeance was his.

Boathrocide isn’t easy work, though, so after he calmed down, he realized that he was still a hungry little tomte. He then walked back to the kitchen, leaving a trail of bloody little footprints in the snow, and tucked into his seemingly bland porridge.

Then, he made a startling discovery… there WAS butter, but it was at the bottom of the bowl! Oceans of dairy-induced remorse overtook the tomten, and he bolted out the house again. The penitent little livestock slayer ran to the neighbor’s barn this time, quickly stealing a of cow to replace the murdered one. This tale doesn’t reveal whether or not the farmer noticed that he had a purloined heiffer in his barn, but who cares? The scales of tomten justice were righted nonetheless (except for the neighbor – tomten morality can be a bit fuzzy sometimes).

Conclusions
Before deciding if tomten are right for you, consider the details we mentioned above. Though they are cute, remember that they are not ornaments. They can be helpful additions to any family, but they must be paid the buttery respect they deserve. And, before you ask, margarine is not an acceptable substitute. Don’t even try to give them any of that boujee whipped stuff either. Do you want your pets to die?!?! Disrespect can have consequences. Caveat Emptor, indeed…

Happy (and safe) holidays from the PD team!

Travel Notes:
Tomten don’t seem to be associated with any particular part of Sweden. They instead seem to be generally Scandinavian. You can find authentic Swedish tomten at various stores. We purchased our very first tomte (named Ost) at a Maxi ICA Stormarknad (i.e., supermarket) outside of Uppsala, Sweden. We should also say that Ost was not very amenable to being on a plane, so we thank the old gods that we remembered to bring extra pats of butter in our carryon luggage. Even Samuel L. Jackson couldn’t have saved us from Tomten on a Plane.

]]><![CDATA[Nosferatu’s Castle? Hrad Orava.]]>Tue, 17 Dec 2024 01:17:49 GMThttp://properdegenerate.com/blog/nosferatus-castle-hrad-orava

The one and only Nosferatu

Are you a fan of the 1922 silent film classic Nosferatu? Do you like imposing castles? Are you interested in vacationing in Slovakia? Even if you answered a firm “no” to all these questions, we recommend that you keep reading and keep an open mind.

We are not ashamed to admit that we are head over heels, Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, Billy Bob Thorton wearing a necklace filled to the brim with Angelina Jolie’s blood IN LOVE with Slovakia (FOOTNOTE: for younger readers, there was a time when Tom Cruise was married and when Billie Bob dated Angelina). It’s one of our top places to visit when we want to relax and not just work in a different time zone.

The entryway oozes Old World charm and incipient vampire shenanigans.

Strangely enough, most Americans and Brits wouldn’t even consider Slovakia to be a prime vacation destination. Some snootier Europeans might even view it as a “flyover” country. Though we find these assessments baffling, it’s their loss, as we like our favorite sites less crowded. Because, regardless of whether you like nature and hiking (e.g., the Tatra mountains), good wine (Devín, Veltlinske Zelene ), or good food (e.g., Bryndzové Halušky), you can’t beat Slovakia. But then there are the castles. Oh, my, those castles... Literally three of the top five castles of the Proper Degenerate team are found in this tiny little country barely the size of Mississippi. Though we will have future posts on the darkly beautiful castles of Slovakia, we will start with a real winner: Castle (Hrad) Orava (pronounced oar-ah-vah).

Several scenes from Nosferatu were shot here, and you can see why. It’s ruggedly beautiful, seemingly remote, and creates a vibe of “old European aristocrat”. At the highest level that tourists can ascend, there is a little display with a statue of that old, blood sucker, Count Orlok.

An atmospheric shot of some of the surroundings

Even if you don’t care about its connections to one of the most iconic movie vampires of all time, the castle is well worth a visit. It remains one of the best-preserved Medieval structures in all of Europe. With a bit of imagination, you can gaze through a tiny window into what it must have been like to live as a Medieval lord, lady, or peasant.

The curved tunnel entrance to Orava

If you lived here, you’d have been well protected. Orava Castle was designed for defense. High on a hill, it’s difficult to imagine trying to conquer this place only using horses, men, and medieval weaponry. Though there are no shortage of staircases, there were none back in the day. You would have had to scramble up ladders and ropes with the dexterity of a ninja squirrel just to find your way to the entrance. Once you got there, the entry into the castle courtyard is essentially just a curved stone tunnel. “Why isn’t it straight?”, you might ask. Well, this was so that Orava Castle’s troops could quietly hide just past the curve, unseen from any potential invaders. It’s a well-known fact that conquest gets a bit more difficult when you’re unexpectedly showered with arrows.

Now let’s discuss a small sliver of Orava’s history. In a past post we created a cocktail inspired by Countess Erzsébet Báthory (1560 C.E. – 1614 C.E.), sometimes called the Blood Countess. Well, it turns out that the guy who arrested her and tried her accomplices - György Thurzó- owned this castle. In fact, a letter box where he and his wife kept their love letters and other correspondence remains preserved in a bedroom.

Thurzó, like Erzsébet, was a wealthy noble. He eventually reached the rank of Palatine of Hungary, second only to the king in terms of administrative power. Even more interesting, he and Erzsebet’s husband, Ferenc Nadasdy, were lifelong friends. György and his first wife were good friends to Erzsebet as well, at least until her arrest for serial murder. The fact that he was the one to imprison her in her own castle (Čachtice Hrad) was likely a complicated decision for him.

Save your energy for the last few sets of stairs to the top

Regardless, György Thurzo called Castle Orava home for many years. Old György remains there to this day, lying in final repose in the castle crypt. If you want to visit his final resting place, though, you must go visit the castle in summer, as it is otherwise closed to tourists.

Along with history, grand structures tend to also become associated with myths, legends, and tragic tales. Orava Castle is no exception, and may even be a bit unique. For instance, “White Lady” tales are a dime a dozen. Many places are known for them, even Altoona, Pennsylvania (see our post on The Ghost of Wopsy here). However, Orava not only has a “White Lady” myth (i.e., the wife of a Master Donc), but a “Black Lady” one as well.

The Black Lady in question is Erzsébet Czobor, the second wife of György Thurzó. She was apparently a clever woman and a talented administrator. Running entire castles wasn’t too challenging for her even when her husband was away fighting wars and trying to lock up Medieval serial killers.

She was also quite imposing. For instance, many castle owners might try to keep their unruly servants in line through docking pay, firing them, or possibly imprisoning them. That wasn’t scary enough for Mrs. Czobor. She instead threatened to haunt them all after she died. Some of her workers apparently didn’t take this curse seriously, though. As a result, she is said to peer over the castle walls to this very day, spending her immortality trying to keep worker shenanigans to a minimum. Say what you will about her, but she had her principles.

Getting There
Hrad Orava is very easy to find using google maps or other online sources. Once you get to the town, follow the signs to the large parking lot festooned with souvenir booths and located within sight of the castle. Just be aware that parking fee is a little steep for small town Slovakia (i.e., a whopping seven euros at our last visit). We have it in good authority that the town made the decision to significantly raise the rates because tourism comes with other costs (i.e., annoying tourists), so this made us feel a bit more empathy.

It might also be helpful to keep in mind that you need to be in decent shape to walk all the way to the top. You certainly won’t have to scramble up rope ladders, but the paths are steep and the steps are many. Thus, prepare for your trip a few months in advance using a StairMaster or take your time and be patient. You need to save a little energy for the last round of steps to get the best views and the full Orava experience (i.e., the mannequin of Count Orlok). We would rate this as 8/10 for castle experiences.

Also, please note that the gift shop – which looks incredible – was closed both times we visited. We have no idea why, as it was supposed to be open. We surmise that it could generate a good bit of extra revenue, and we definitely had euros in our pocket waiting to buy black and white castle prints and Nosferatu neckerchiefs.. There is an online shop where you can purchase some – but not all – of the fun items we saw in the window.

Side Trip
Orava is within driving distance of many other castles (including Hrad Beckov). Don’t miss out on the opportunity to try some Slovakian wines while you’re there, either. It’s underrated and very affordable.

Conclusions:
Even if you couldn't care less about György Thurzó, Erzsébet Báthory, or Nosferatu, this would be an amazing side trip for a vacation if only for the architecture and views.

Links:
https://www.oravskemuzeum.sk/

]]><![CDATA[Hail to the King: A Vertical Tasting of Southern Tier's Pumking Imperial Ale]]>Fri, 29 Nov 2024 13:58:02 GMThttp://properdegenerate.com/blog/hail-to-the-king-a-vertical-tasting-of-southern-tiers-pumking-imperial-aleIt’s an unfortunate reality that we have day jobs and cannot yet be full-time degenerates. Though neither of us is currently employed in academia (thank the gods and demons), we both spend a good bit of time publishing articles in stodgy scientific journals. The workday striving for precision sometimes unexpectedly bleeds into weekend fun.

As one example, we found an interesting way to pass the time both before and during Covid by taking a page from clinical drug trial research. No, we were not developing vaccines in the bathtub, but we started applying “double-blind” research methodology to our taste tests. Why wouldn’t we just enjoy our favorite treats, you might ask, and make the weekends more relaxing? Well, we enjoy certainty, and we wanted to see if we REALLY liked the things that we liked, or just thought that we liked them because of habit or good advertising.

The holly subjects of the vertical tasting.

Of course we started with alcohol. The first of these taste tests was of bottom-shelf American lagers (i.e., there’s no need to spend a lot of money to have fun), and the procedure was pretty straightforward. One of us went into the kitchen and poured each beer from its aluminum can or bottle into an individual serving container that you couldn’t see through, writing down which beer went where (e.g., Miller High Life into blue coffee mug). Then, the other came in, poured each container into two identical opaque glasses, and wrote down which container corresponded to which glass (e.g., blue coffee mug into Erzsebet Bathory coffee cups). After this process was completed, the tasting began, and each beer was rated on various scales (e.g., hops, malts, carbonation). After the ratings were all sorted and finalized, the winner was selected, and the true identities of all beers are revealed to the shock and delight of the participants.

It’s a fun party activity, but you really only need two people to do this. The results of this cheap lager test were surprising: we discovered that we ranked our formerly favorite cheap beer only #4 of 10, and one we thought was hated ended up at the top spot. We also found out that we were unanimous in still hating Busch beer the most. You can’t argue with science…

A perfectly poured glass of Pumking

Our favorite memento from Southern Tier's Pittsburgh brewery.

One of the things we don't hate is the fact that pumpkin beers start showing up all over the East coast of the US in the Autumn. They don’t seem to be a big thing in the UK or Europe yet, and this remains a unique American perk. Therefore, it will probably surprise no one that we’ve been annually taste-testing pumpkin beers for a few years. The results have been alarmingly consistent: Southern Tier’s famous Pumking Imperial Ale has been the winner EVERY SINGLE TIME and for EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Believe it when I tell you that we’ve done our best to knock him off his orange perch. Last year, we selected over a dozen different pumpkin competitors to take on the King. He beat them like they were like anonymous nunchuck-wielding goons in the Blade movies.

We had the pleasure of visiting Southern Tier’s tasting room in Pittsburgh PA several times to pay our respects. During one visit, we enjoyed their draft Pumking so much that we made a few impulse buys of limited-edition ales (e.g., Sapsquatch – an ale made with maple syrup) and a gigantic Pumking sign. Their merch is impressive. Though we love the sign, it occasionally reminds us to drink with a wee bit more moderation.

We can exert some restraint, though; we save a few bottles every year to age. We hit upon this early on, finding that a forgotten bottle was incredible a year after it was produced. We now crack open a 2- or 3-year old Pumking each Thanksgiving and Christmas to help the holidays go more smoothly.

Long story short, after years of patience, we finally collected enough well-aged Pumkings to do a “vertical tasting” of seven solid years of alcoholic pumpkin-y goodness. We had some important questions: 1) How long does it stay drinkable? 2) Is there a “sweet spot” where aged Pumking is better than fresh?, and 3) What flavors change the most over time?

How long does it stay drinkable?
For our sample, there was a clear line in the sand when the Pumkings stopped tasting good. This was at the seven year mark (i.e., the 2018 bottle). In order to double check and ensure reliability, we cracked open our very last remaining 2018 later that night with the same result. A pity, as 2018 was a very good year.

Is there a “sweet spot” where aged Pumking is better than fresh?,
Yes! It seems to be somewhere between two and three years. At some point during that time, Pumking matures to a “liquid cocaine” stage where the malts are perfection, the hops mellow, yet the spices remain punchy and beautiful.

What flavors change the most over time?
There was some variability on this. In general, the malt flavors held up the best but the hops obviously lost some potency with age. The spices were the real wild card, though, with some flavors becoming MORE dominant over time, but not in a systematic way. More generally, the pie spices seemed to hang on pretty well, but became harder to differentiate over time (i.e., not tasting cinnamon, but tasting “spice”).

Finally, when the time of tasting and judgment was over, we thought it might be fun to blend of all the non-skunked versions. This did not go well. For some reason, you need to keep the Kings separate. I guess they don’t like to share the stage, and you don’t want an international war in your glass.

Now, we should note that we have had other high ABV beers in our life that were aged longer than seven years. Though we did a pretty good job keeping them in dark and (relatively) cool places, the temperature was not completely uniform, so we could have cocked up and/or accelerated the aging process. That being said, even under imperfect conditions, the fact that a five+ year old ale is not only drinkable, but a real treat, is pretty impressive. Kudos to the Southern Tier folks for crafting a true American masterpiece. You may even still be able to pick up a six-pack of the 2024 if you do a little searching

Snippets of our tasting notes below if you’re true beer nerds:

2018

Funky skunk up the front
Mellow
Not much pumpkin
The back end is okay if you can tolerate the front end
Bland, anemic malt
Not really drinkable except for scientific purposes

2019

No skunk, but a bit of funk
Definitely drinkable
Light body
Very dry compared to unaged Pumking
Coffee notes and a roasty malt character
Some soft, pumpkin sweetness, but not very pronounced
Lots of allspice

2020

Very tasty
Pumpkin in there and strong, almost raw.
The only strange taste was a mild metallic overtone (copper penny?)
More intense flavor of everything than the 2019 except for the spice
Light vanilla
Nice flavor of well-cooked caramel

2021

Alcohol smell was stronger than the others
Very pleasant and drinkable
Not a hint of harshness or off flavors
Pumpkin is strong and sweet
Hops are present
Good vanilla
Thick flavor

2022

Foamier and more effervescent than previous contenders
Very nice nose
Cream Brulé flavors
Very similar to the 2021
Perfect hops
A bit punchy
Toasted bread on the back

2023

Fresh nose
Bright
Pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin
It has a very fun kvass – rye malt flavor that was unusual
A bit of raisin
Light sharp notes of hops and spice
Almost tastes like there was a splash of high quality vanilla vodka tossed into the barrel

2024

Fresh
A bit too “raw” tasting compared to the 2023
Very effervescent
Vanilla fields from the 90's
Best nose of the bunch – rich, spicy, malty, fresh
Holy hops, very strong compared to the aged versions
Sweet with Mexican Vanilla
Needs time in the bottle
Bit of bitter, but not coffee

LINKS

Main Page https://stbcbeer.com/

Pittsburgh https://pittsburgh.stbcbeer.com/

]]><![CDATA[Nocino Pt. II]]>Wed, 13 Nov 2024 00:08:23 GMThttp://properdegenerate.com/blog/nocino-pt-ii

Even the King of the Monsters loves homemade nocino.

Just a few months ago, we started our homemade, just south of the Mason-Dixon Line version of that trendy, hipster-beloved beverage called amaro. Ours was inspired by Italian Nocino (or French liqueur de noix). The original post can be found here. We make this liqueur every year. However, instead of using English walnuts (juglans regia – which strangely enough originated in Iran), though, we use eastern American black walnuts (juglans nigra). They are far easier for us to harvest, as we have three trees in the backyard. However, there is another important reason beyond laziness that we prefer the New World nuts to the Old: the flavor is VERY different.

Nocino originated in the Emilia-Romagna region of Italy. We visited this region two years ago and, as you can see, it isn't hideous.

English walnuts are mildly sweet, have lots of healthy fats in them, and are a wee bit bitter. They are extremely healthy snacks and can be used in savory and sweet dishes. We love them on pasta and stuffed into Mediterranean pastries. The English type is far more versatile and less polarizing than black walnuts.

The black ones have even more protein than the English type, but less fat. They are also MUCH stronger in flavor. Let’s say a dish calls for a cup of English walnuts. If you even substituted ½ a cup of black walnuts, you would completely overpower it. If English walnuts are button mushrooms, black walnuts are truffles. A little goes a long way. A very popular ice cream flavor on the East coast of the US is black walnut, and it is for this reason.

But back to the amaro. After two months of patient waiting, daily stirring, and the occasional taste test, our homemade nocino was ready to be decanted. This process took about 45 minutes. We first used a kitchen strainer to filter out the sad black walnut corpses as well as the vanilla bean and remaining spices. Then, we filtered the remaining liquid through everyday coffee filters. This is what took the most time. You can probably skip this step if you don’t mind a lot of walnut debris at the bottom of your bottle, but we wouldn’t recommend it. There was a LOT of debris. As we can be impatient people, we changed filters about every ¾ cup or so to speed the process along. We might have also put on a fun podcast on serial killers to help pass the tedious time.

After our alcoholic nut juice was all nicely filtered, we blended about 1/3 of the mix into our “master blend” bottle. This contains some of every nocino we’ve made for the past four consecutive years. We only break this stuff out on special occasions, as it is amazingly delicious. The remaining nocino was put into repurposed (and assiduously cleaned) liqueur bottles and labelled so we don't forget the contents. It’s technically ready to drink at this point, but for the first few months after decanting we tend to mostly use it in cocktails as opposed to serving it “neat”. This is because it become much smoother and “softer” with a bit of age and with a little oxidation. After about three months, try it chilled with a splash of lemon juice and your mind will be blown by this cheap backyard tipple. Please feel free to send us thank you emails after you try it.

If you can't or don't want to make your own nocino, it is carried in many liquor stores. If you live in Ohio you might find this local take on the sprit from Watershed Distillery.

Croatians make a large variety of liqours including Maraska Orahovac (far right) - a mixture made from green walnuts using centuries old recipes.

Tasting notes:

Spicy, fresh flavors
Sweet, cinnamon-y, clove-y black pepper – the best part of pumpkin pie spices
Strong, thick, long, and pleasant bitter aftertaste
Bitter orange rind
Soft vanilla
Dr. Pepper
Caramelized sugar

Adjustments:

A couple drops of lemon juice tightens up the amaro and concentrates some flavors more than others
One of our mothers LOVES a shot of nocino in her coffee. You may need to hide it from your guests in the morning

Another recipe:

As discussed in our previous post, we used the great David Lebovitz's recipe as our starting point. However, his uses English walnuts (and more of them), some more cloves, and the zest of one lemon. We’ve used his recipe many times and love it, but wanted to tweak it to our tastes. You can find our recipe here.

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Of course, it would be a shame not to give an example of how to use it in a cocktail. We call this recipe The DC Noir, our version of a Black Manhattan

2.5 oz good rye whiskey (we really like Willet t, Michter’s, or Sazerac)
1/2 oz homemade nocino
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 dash angostura bitters
1 dash orange bitters
1 dash absinthe (if you’re feeling saucy)

Stir with ice (about 60 revolutions), strain, and garnish with a cherry and enjoy the taste of Autumn.

The DC Noir with homemade nocino is a perfect fall or winter cocktail

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